You've been there. You wake up in the morning, yawn a bit, stretch a little, and then you feel it. A warm body next to you in bed, and you don't remember who he is. I say "warm" body for a reason: no matter what he looks like this morning, he's not nearly as hot as he was last night before you got into bed. You know it. I know it. Hell, even he knows it.
Now, hopefully, you haven't made the mistake of bringing him back to your home. Why, you dare ask? If you went to his place, you can make a hasty departure: as you fling your clothes back on, just tell him, "I left my dog on and my oven has to be walked first thing this morning." No matter that you said it backwards, or that you don't have either a dog or an oven at your place. You can get the hell out of there in under 30 seconds. Trust me. I know. Of course, if you took him back to your place, it's a little more difficult to extricate yourself from the situation. "Can you leave?", "I hate to have someone in my apartment while I'm dropping a deuce", and "I just can't stand the sight of you", are a tad on the rude side. So my number one rule, and yours should be, too, is never take your trick back to your place. Always go to their place. It's much easier to flee than it is to kick someone out. I know. I can hear some of you saying, "But sometimes we've got no place else to go, so I absolutely have to bring him back to my place." Yeah, we've all been there. So, what do you do when that happens?
You meet a guy at the bar. He seems into you, and you're definitely into his stunning blue eyes. "I'm just in town visiting my family," he tells you, "and we can't go back there." If and only if you can't afford a motel, then go to your place. But when he asks to use your bathroom to take out his contacts, and then returns to your boudoir with brown eyes, it's going to be hard to hide your disappointment. So what do you do now? Those eyes were what attracted you to him in the first place. It's almost as bad as a guy stuffing his package. Well, not that bad, but still. You're promised one thing, and you get another; blue eyes exchange for brown, a whopper for a teeny weenie. I'd rather have the guy fake his eye color. At least I can turn him over so I don't have to look him in the brown eyes. If he fakes the weenie, I'm going to be disappointed, and he's going to be leaving red-faced when I laugh him out of bed. Yeah, I've been there. Sue me.
And what happens when you get the guy out of the bar lights, back to your place, and you realize he's not nearly as cute as you thought? Here's a tip: shove him face down into the pillow so you don't have to look at him. Or how about the guy who extricates himself from your now-soiled bed (and if you have to ask "soiled with what?", you're not following along here) to use the facilities and accidentally leaves his "hair" on your pillow?
How do you get rid of these guys? After you've sixty-nined, do you offer him a gargle? A toothbrush? At least a mint? Do you offer him a good douche after, well, you know? And what do you do if he asks you to stay the night? Do you make pancakes the next morning? Here's the rules, and there are only two:
1. If he is not what you expected (and who is, really? Okay, Taylor Lautner, but who else?), and not someone you'll hook up with again (unless you're really, really drunk), you get off, he gets out. Simple, clear, concise: get off, get out. Just make sure you're the one who got off, though. There is no Listerine, no Aunt Jemima, not even a single Altoid. You give him any of those and he'll be moving his 2xist underwear into your bedroom by the next weekend. You can't have that. You've got new stuffed packages to look for! So, make something up. Tell him you've got to get up early to take your mom to church. Tell him you have your cult meeting early the next morning. Tell him your lover's coming home soon and he can't stay. Just get him out of there. You already got what you wanted. You got off. So, lie. I'm sure you lied to get him into bed, now lie to get him out of it.
2. If he is hot, let him stay the night. Make sure you wake up before him, take a shower, fix your hair, do whatever it takes to make yourself look presentable, for God's sake. Offer him anything he wants: fresh towels, your side of the bed, fresh squeezed orange juice, homemade crepes. But when he flings his clothes back on in the morning and tells you he left his dog on and his oven has to be walked, don't say I didn't warn you!
