OMG! I’ve got to get twenty-one outfits, fourteen pairs of shoes, seven bathing suits, creams, lotions, moisturizers, suntan lotion, sunblock, a gross of condoms, enough lube to grease the Amtrak line from Penn Station to D.C., and a leather harness into this miniscule overnight bag? How am I ever gonna’ do that?
Been there before? Who hasn’t? When it’s time to gaycation (you know, spend a week looking your best among the throngs of hot boys in thongs at some popular gay destination—see, Key West, P-Town, Rehoboth, RSVP cruise, et al.— you’ve been there. So, what’s a fashionista to do? You need the seven swim suits. You’d die if anyone saw you in the same one twice, no? And the leather harness is essential if there happens to be a leather bar or leather-themed party on your week’s gayca. So, by all means, pack ‘em, but don’t expect them to fit into your tiny suitcase.
First off, boys, bite the bullet and spend the extra $25 for a checked bag. But make sure you get a bag that will match the bags that will appear under your eyes at the end of the week. For as any experienced gay traveler will tell you, after a week of late nights, too many drinks, too little sleep, and having used all those condoms, those bags are gonna’ be there for awhile, no matter how much you moisturize. Next, lose one-third of the outfits. If you’re going to play for a week and you simply must have three “costume” changes a day, count the bathing suits as one of your three. Those seven skimpy little Speedos can be balled up inside one of your shoes with room to spare!
Then, line up your fourteen pairs of shoes and take a good, hard look. Execute ten pair. Take one pair of sandals/flip-flops for daytime, one pair of sports shoes (for hiking or tennis or ballet), and two pair for evening activities. You don’t need fourteen pair. Four will do just fine. If you think someone is not going to sleep with you because you’ve worn the same pair of shoes twice, well, then, you’ve probably just been rejected by Imelda Marcos. Or me.
You can’t leave out the creams, lotions or moisturizers. But make sure you pack the super-sized anti-wrinkle cream that you use under and around your eyes and mouth, and…down “there”…in your checked bag. Otherwise, it will get confiscated by airport security before you even board the plane. And you can’t afford to have that happen. God knows, you need those creams. Just take a look in the mirror. Still not enough room in your bag? Leave the sunblock and suntan lotion at home. When you need it, ask the hottie next to you to borrow his. Then make him rub it all over your back and anywhere you can’t reach. That will give you a chance to use up all of those condoms and the lube before you get home, thereby making some room in your luggage for that sarong you just bought.
Robert Hofmann is the author of three books, "Surrounded by Insanity", "An Ordinary Madness", and his latest, "One Brain Cell Away from Retarded". He resides in Wilton Manors, FL, with his partner of 16 years and welcomes email from his readers at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .
